Group Efforts 21

Group Efforts
The Diary of a Workgroup Manager

Episode 74 (2001)

(Diarist Extraordinaire Bernard Pierce apologised for the delay in delivering this episode of Group Efforts, which was caused by the aftermath of Tim Costello's leaving do (well, the aftermath of mixing champagne with red wine, Guinness, brandy, keg bitter and a five-course dinner, to be exact) plus the shock of what happened at the management meeting (see below)).

Previously in Group Efforts:
Cathy was convicted of Treason by the Court of the All Star Chamber (venue, Peg's) and sentenced to Withdrawal of Access to Tea, its severest punishment. Amrat's replacement arrived, bringing with him a passion for VB.NET and quickly developing one for Sheila. Danny's days at the cutting edge of music distribution ended when Bernard confiscated his CD Writer, and Costello's days in the chair at management meetings ended when he resigned to join a merchant bank.

Now read on, as Costello says farewell, his successor says hello, Spark says nothing and the looks on certain managers' faces say it all,…

Wednesday 4th
The place is still buzzing with talk of Costello's imminent departure and (more pertinently), the arrival of Neil 'Slasher' Barratt, his successor as Finance Director. Sympathy for Costello, who's reckoned never to have recovered from being passed over for MD, is tempered by rumours of a six-figure salary-plus-bonus package at his new employers, a City bank. However it seems that little sympathy, tempered or otherwise, is needed for Barratt.
All sources (Matt, Andy and my mole on the 4th floor) confirm Barratt's reputation as a ruthless hard man who's made his name by delivering dramatic cost-driven improvements to the bottom lines of hapless Broadleys outposts, then moving on before the waste products hit the air circulation device. More promising, however, are as yet unconfirmed rumours of major history between Barrett and Chapman over a computing fiasco in East Anglia when Chapman was still a lowly I.T. Director. That could prove useful, but in the meantime hatches are being battened down, and it looks as if we're in for a rough ride.

Thursday 12th
Costello's leaving do, a rather swish, suits-and-wives dinner dance at the County Hotel. There's a good turnout of Broadleys top brass (although Andy, ever the cynic, says that's because Costello's new firm is one of the group's main bankers) and it's nice (and typically Costello) to see George and Amrat on the guest list, even though they're technically outsiders now. Also still a technical outsider, but very much the focus of interest, is Neil Barratt, making his first public appearance.
Barrett looks pretty ordinary to me, although if his suit is anything to go by he is, indeed, accustomed to avoiding unnecessary expense. He works the room like a pro nevertheless, and when it's my turn says, rather worryingly, that he's heard a lot about me. Llewellyn, overdressed as always in full DJ, hovers round him like a bee round a honeypot (Andy's analogy is cruder, and involves flies), while the new man's noticeably brief exchange with Chapman is rated as -15° Celsius and an indication of fireworks to come. Costello's speech goes down well (especially the anecdote about Andy and the Tolworth Belly Dancers), as do the champagne toasts. An era has ended, in a comfortably warm glow.

Monday 16th
Spark comes round to install some system patches, which he at least manages to do without giving Sheila the benefit of his sick puppy impression. I have, in fact, warmed to him tremendously since discovering that his real name is Spartacus Johnson, a tribute by his mother to Kirk Douglas's fine performance in the title role of Kubrick's 1960 Roman epic. As a gesture of film-buff solidarity I make a lighthearted reference to it (admittedly not a very good one, along the lines of "so it's sword-and-sandals instead of beard-and-sandals now, eh?"), but he returns a stare so blank that it's impossible to tell whether it signifies incomprehension, raw hatred or temporary unconsciousness, so I let it drop.
There are evidently no hard feelings though, as he gives me the URL of a hot VB.NET site and three beachside passes to the UK Kiteboarding Championships, at which he'll be competing. Promising to think about going, I boot up and type 'Cleopatra' into the IE search bar.

Friday 20th
We've seen and heard little of Barrett so far, and rumours of a sudden all-out cost-slashing bloodbath are beginning to grow. To calm nerves, I call an All Stars Symposium (venue Peg's) to share intelligence and coordinate resistance. Matt says that Barrett's MO is to attack Purchasing first, on the basis that he'll be long gone before any shoddy cut-price materials start filtering through, and despite myself I can't help sharing in the grim satisfaction that disgraced ex-All Star Cathy will suffer first.
Andy, meanwhile, has been digging the dirt on the Barrett-Chapman East Anglian incident. This, it seems, involved cheap plug-compatible disk drives for an IBM AS400, lengthy downtime and a trademark quick exit by our new FD, leaving Chapman to carry the can. As precedents go this doesn't seem too bad, since one of the All Stars' most deeply-cherished ambitions is to see the imprint of a can firmly on the back of our own IT supremo, C.J. 'Houdini' Llewellyn. Overall, in fact, the prospect of Cathy and Llewellyn bearing the brunt of Barrett's initial onslaught is a very welcome one, especially if it gives us time to develop further delaying tactics. Glasses raised, we toast those who are about to be sacrificed for the greater good.

Tuesday 24th
The first management meeting since Barrett's arrival. Chapman's there, and although he's technically in charge, Barrett gives off a worryingly proprietorial air, for which Andy's whispered "HQ Plant" is probably an accurate explanation. He's certainly no time-waster, anyway, and gets straight down to saying that we all know his reputation as a cost-rationaliser, and that he intends to live up to it, starting right now. Llewellyn and Cathy, sitting either side of him, seem oblivious to their impending fate, and I feel a twinge of sympathy, for Cathy at least.
Such feelings soon evaporate, however, as Barrett outlines his plans. He has, it seems, been working on a Total Cost Rationalisation Programme, which will roll out across the entire firm over the next six months. Helping him in this have been certain 'members of the management team' who will now assist in its implementation, reporting directly to him on progress achieved and any 'obstacles' encountered. Briefly the All Stars turn to each other, unable to believe that any of the Comrades could turn traitor like this. But of course none of us have. The traitors are already sitting at Barrett's right and left hand, and their smiles show that they know we've realised who they are - Cathy and 'Chris', the Slasher's new Lieutenants.

Next in Group Efforts:
Could someone as basically loyal, decent and honourable as Cathy really bring herself to commit such a despicable act of betrayal? (Er, isn't anyone going to ask if I could bring myself to do it? No, CJ - Ed) What appalling acts of Total Cost Rationalisation will Barrett perform first? Is 'Spartacus' Spark's real name, or is he hiding something embarrassing? And just how unreliable are plug-compatible disk drives for the AS400 series? Find out in Episode 75!