Group Efforts 21

Group Efforts
The Diary of a Workgroup Manager

Episode 64 (2000)

Previously in Group Efforts......

Six months ago our hero, Project Resources Manager Bernard Pierce, broke both arms in a freak lawnmowing accident. In the grim weeks that followed he struggled with a poorly-trained copy of IBM ViaVoice, barely able to complete the monthly Isleworth A progress report, let alone keep his diary up to date. Happily he's back to full fitness now, and recording events in the corridors of power at J.A. Brown PLC (a member of the Broadleys Group of Companies) with his own inimitable blend of wit and insight. Below you'll find Bernard's full report, but first here's a catch-up guide to what's been happening back at the Ranch.

Oct: Llewellyn in Amrat revenge demotion shock B2s brand Linux server 'inoperable' Girls brand B2s 'unfanciable' Nov: Cathy refuses Llewellyn Linux bug-fix plea Danny gets official warning Llewellyn in Chapman Linux demo cliff-hanger Dec: Amrat re-promoted B2s sacked (again) Andy Miller in Millennium Party .JPG scandal Jan: Linux server crashes intranet Firm sues B2s Bernard in ViaVoice "Isle of Wight Tankers" memo fiasco Feb: June pregnant (again) Danny gets official warning (again) B2s to return March: June false alarm relief B2s false alarm relief Llewellyn in Costello Server Lockout cliff-hanger April Amrat promoted (again) George Barker in GM compost scandal B2s return Linux server crashes.

Now read on, as our hero twitches, a Lurv Tiger strikes, the All Stars riot and Cathy shows her true colours.

Monday 1st
How good it is to feel keys under fingertips again, after months spent shouting at ViaVoice. I can no longer say 'send two tonnes to Tonbridge too' without developing a nervous twitch, but Mike Dawson from Sales says it soon passes. Mike's ViaVoice experience is rumoured to have come after an incident with a sash window at a nurses' hostel, so I consider him a slightly unreliable witness, but it's a comfort nevertheless. My return to fitness also means that I'm expected to adopt a more (literally) hands-on role in the Linux Departmental Server Pilot. I'm avoiding this, which means avoiding Llewellyn, which comes naturally anyway so isn't too much of a burden. So far we've successfully transferred Sheila's document pool onto the Penguin Platform, proving that with proper planning you can make two systems do the job of one. With that safely achieved, I'm happy to leave the pursuit of further, less tangible benefits to the IT specialists.

Wednesday 10th
Panic grips the building as Sales is hit by a flood of Love Bug email virus messages. Targeted at the admin girls, it's a mutant variant bearing the trademark 'I LOVE YOU' subject line, but the message "Open the attachment to see what a real Lurv Tiger can do". Amrat, impressively dressed in a white coat, arrives to extract a sample for examination on his full-isolation quarantine system (actually an old P200 with a broken network card). A hush descends as the youngster coolly removes the invader, but the silence is broken by gasps as Cathy strides up to another machine and double-clicks on a love-bug attachment. Expecting an orgy of destruction, we instead see a GIF of Danny's head superimposed on a strategically animated unclothed torso. Stampeding back to the Ranch, we find the lad's chair empty. Unperturbed, Cathy installs the message 'RETRIBUTION WILL COME' in Danny's screensaver, and we all get back to work.

Tuesday 16th
A surprisingly unruly management meeting. The trouble starts when Andy suggests that Llewellyn should be split into two departments, one to install bug-ridden operating systems, the other to dish out slow, resource-hogging applications. Sensing blood, the All Stars pitch in with commiserations over the value of Llewllyn's Microsoft shares, questions about the quantum-physical implications of the sun shining simultaneously out of two rear-facing orifices, and some rather slanderous stuff about the right backhander not knowing what the left backhander's doing. Costello eventually regains control, and moves on to Linux Pilot progress, which involves me informing a by now near-riotous audience that there isn't much to report. This brings a storm of laughter, applause and cat-calls, causing Costello to deploy emergency crowd-control measures, aka Budget Overspends. The mob is quelled, Llewellyn makes a quick exit, and I make a note to watch 'When Civilisations Crumble' on TV tomorrow night.

Thursday 18th
The big secret of the moment is that Cathy is about to become full-blown manager of her own department. The department in question is half of mine, but since it involves splitting Project Resources back into the old, saner Purchasing and Planning, I'm not complaining. I did suggest a more innovative reorganisation, in which Cathy managed Joan Davis and Danny while I kept Rose, June and Sheila, but she spotted it immediately and stamped on it hard, proving again that she's real management material. I will, however, be getting a replacement Planning Executive, which will make a huge difference as Cathy's been effectively part-time, and Danny's effectively part-awake. In Peg's, George points out that with Amrat busily carving out his Systems empire, it's the Planning Department alumni who are emerging as the new Movers and Shakers. Unable to suppress a burst of pride in my protégées' achievements, I accept the plaudit graciously, and buy another round.

Friday 26th
The big day is here, as Cathy officially becomes Purchasing Manager. Chapman and Costello arrive to wish her well, Solvent Stores send her a congratulatory bottle of Romanian Sparkling Wine, and Joan touchingly presents her with a hand-knitted cover for her Staff Appraisals folder. At lunchtime Andy and I insist on inducting her into the All Stars' Mid-day Brotherhood (Sisters also welcome), and she stands her rounds like a true manager. Mellowed by Peg's finest, I return to the Ranch, where I find the B2s removing cables from the Linux server. Anticipating a perfect end to the day, I ask if the Pilot project is ending, and they reply that it is for Purchasing, since Cathy's transferred her files back to the NetWare system and is leaving the Linux box to me. Rushing across the corridor, I find that Cathy's in an all-afternoon meeting with Costello, and not expected back. Moved and shaken, I retire to my office and contemplate the perfidy of youth.

The Alternative View...

Cathy Reeve:
At last I've got what I deserve - my own department! At times I've thought I'd be stuck at Management One for ever, but now I'm actually getting somewhere. Of course Bernard had to try palming me off with Danny (I'd have expected nothing less), but I saw it coming and dealt with it the way I'm going to deal with anything else that gets in my way from now on - quickly, decisively and finally. George Barker and Bernard ran Purchasing like a rest home, but I'm going to make it the leanest, fittest department in the company, and if that means a few sore heads and the odd drop of blood on the carpet, then so be it. That's why I had to get rid of the Linux Pilot - it's a drain on resources, IT take the credit if it goes right, and we get the blame if it goes wrong. Bernard'll be fine with it - it's his kind of thing, and although he's mad with me for dumping it on him, it'll all blow over soon.

Andy Miller:
I told Bernard to watch Cathy, but he wouldn't listen. And what happens? Her first day running George's old department, and she's already left him holding the Linux server baby. I think he's going a bit soft in his old age, but that's no reason for her to take advantage, and as far as I'm concerned her card is well and truly marked. Mind you, it's good to see Bernard with his arms out of plaster, and even better not to have to hear him shouting at that voice-recognition thing of his. If Danny Moss worked for me I'd have given him a good wallop for that love-bug business, but that's Bernard again - too soft by half! Danny should thank his lucky stars he didn't get transferred to Purchasing though, because I think Cathy's going to turn out to be a real hard case. One day that girl is going to be in charge of all of us, and it's not a day I'm looking forward to.