Group Efforts 21

Group Efforts
The Diary of a Workgroup Manager

Episode 23 (1996)

An unexpected win for the underdogs, a double loss for Danny and no-win situations everywhere for our hero.

Tuesday 2nd
The first day of term, and our first management meeting. Llewellyn announces that, with WordPerfect's future uncertain, I.T. will be running shortlist trials of Office 95 and SmartSuite 96 on 'volunteer' departmental workgroups. Everyone looks at me, but I quickly point out that my Windows 95 installation is still unauthorised, and therefore unsuitable for product evaluation. On seeing Costello's expression I consider withdrawing this statement, but Llewellyn pounces, saying that I'm quite right and that this important project needs dependable participants. Costello hears him out, then invites us, as 'a much-needed exercise in management cooperation', to jointly devise a schedule for getting my installation authorised and one of the suites installed. Realising that I've been steered through the least damaging exit from a no-win situation, I gratefully accept the challenge.

Thursday 4th
It's a double-rollover Lottery week, and Amrat has mailed his syndicate members demanding extra stake money which will, when invested using new pattern-analysis algorithms he's developed, guarantee a £40 million payout. The surcharge comes to £1.75 each, which seems reasonable to me, although I hear that some Solvents Stores refuseniks have been downgraded to second-dividend status for declining to cough up. Llewellyn has apparently said that he'll invest his winnings in Microsoft shares, earning himself the Canteen soubriquet of 'Mystic Mug'. Danny's syndicate still can't get their magazine-disk lottery program to run under Windows 95, and are choosing their numbers using a Shake 'n Win ballpoint pen purchased on Southend Pier. Bournemouth is more my style, and I plan my Lottery-funded sea-front bungalow in the homeward tailback.

Monday 7th
Amrat is in hiding, his double-rollover Lottery mega-entry having achieved a zero return and the wrath of disappointed non-millionaires throughout the company. Danny's syndicate, on the other hand, have won £75 and are over the moon. I decide this is a good time to broach the subject of the suites shortlist trial, explaining that we can choose which suite to adopt. The consensus is that being able to choose is great, and we'll have Office because only a barking madman would think they could get Three Oaks documentation in on target using an all-new word processor. I'm happy enough with this until Cathy tells me that Excel's fine once you get used to it. Glumly realising that I've just signed the ever-faithful 123's death warrant, I load my doomed friend and continue costing what is now our final project together.

Saturday 13th
A rare weekend trip to the office for the Windows 95 Unauthorised Installation Compromise Re-Installation Solution. Strictly speaking, we're all here for a voluntary hands-on training session. In fact Amrat and his Task Force are here because I still won't let them disrupt Three Oaks, Cathy's here to keep an eye on them, and I'm here to show that I'm willing to suffer too. Apart from one heart-stopping moment, when Sheila's PC won't re-connect, everything goes well, including the secret clause in our agreement which specifies a seek-and-destroy mission on Danny's hidden copies of 3D Pinball and Win Doom. Amrat even replaces them with custom programs displaying the message 'Stop Playing Games and Get On with Some Planning', which I consider a really professional touch. I buy post-installation beverages all round, and the hatchet is satisfactorily buried.

Thursday 25th.
The suites shortlist trial is now ready to go, and it's announced that our opposite numbers, running SmartSuite 96, will be none other than the Contracts All-Stars, led by Andy Miller. His explanation is that he couldn't resist the opportunity to bat for Lotus against Llewellyn's preferred choice, but the grapevine says that Costello told him it was about time his department got off its backside and made a contribution to I.T. development, an observation which he felt unable to counter. I now have to bat for Llewellyn against both my old comrade and my preferred spreadsheet, with my team solidly in the Microsoft word-processing camp. The phrase 'stitched up like a kipper' comes uninvited to mind, and stays there, along with Llewellyn's lunch-time grin, throughout the gale-swept journey home.